tashina

So I think that the signs that we are growing is that we learn wisdom, not so much our age. 28 years ago today I was born. Sometimes it feels as if I have already lived 4 lifetimes. Some of it has been bad and some has been good.. I used to hate this day with a passion. I hated all the nice birthday wishes. It reminded me so much of all the pain. I remember thinking what is so special about the day I was born all it ever did was symbolize pain and hurt. I remember one day after I had gotten saved I was at work and mom was texting me about what we were going to do about my birthday and I was in such a bad mood. I remember thinking what so special about the day I was born into this world. And then I heard this voice in my head that yes this was the day I was born into a crappy life, but it was also the day I redeem you.. I remember thinking who said that. “I know that was not my thought” And I had cold chills go down my entire body. I reconised that I had finally heard from God. So I sat there and was like what do you mean it was the day you redeemed me. And here is what he showed me.
Yes on april 23 1986 I was born into a home that was far from good. I went through a lot of things that a child never should have. I was angry that god didn’t stop what happened to me or protect me. Why did u let all these bad things happen to me. What did i do to you.When I finally got took away. I went through foster care with so much anger and pain , and always bounced from one home to the other. I would get attached to someone only to have them leave me, and always feeling like there was something wrong with me.Learning that I can only depend on my self to put walls up to keep everyone out and lock myself in so tight.I learned how to survive. Then I was I got adopted to people that didn’t want a child but more of a servant. To take care of them the farm and the other kids. I always ha to be responsible and dependable. They wanted a son more than a daughter and I molded into that., When I was finally on my own I rebelled. I was so angry at god that anything he said not to do then I was going to do. I thought I hd friends. I made a lot of stupid mistakes trying to fill the void that was growing inside me. I tried men, drinking,ect. But nothing every satisfied me. I still felt alone but I kept going in this path until everything came crashing down around me. Suddenly I was more alone then ever. The very person I had trusted was the one that betrayed me. I was so broken.
Now to the moment that god showed me what he had done.God said that yes I was born into a bad homelife and to a mother and that didn’t love or cherish me,but god had sent a mother and family in my path that did love me and showed me what a real mother was like.Yes I had to wait a long time to be reunited with my true family but it was the family god had intended for me. Yes bad things happened to me that never should have happened to a child. And it was allowed to happen. But all them times I was being hurt god was wrapping his arms around me to shield me from the worst of it. Had he not there was no way a child as young as I was could have made it. Those night I sat there and cried feeling so alone and unloved god was there holding me whispering how muh he loved me. I just couldn’t hear him. The time in my teenage years I was so angry and would say such awful things to god he heard them. He kept telling me of his love and he was standing right beside me just come back to him, but I didn’t. He kept trying to tear down the wall but I would just build it back faster. He sent people to influence my life and plant seeds, and they did. When I was making all the wrong choices as a young adult god was there constanly protecting me and shielding me from going to far. From consequences that would be much worse .Then when everything came crashing down god was there. Times I wanted to just give up. God was there whispering what about your son. He needs you. Then he sent my family into my life cause he knew I needed them and now was the time. My mom always talked about god and I didn’t want to hear it. On my birthday 4 years ago I finally quit fighting god and surrendered to him. Kinda of funny that I got saved on my birthday. It could have been any other day but that day was special cause god showed me where it had always been a symbol for bad god had restored it to be a symbol of good
. So the things I have learned is yes sometimes bad things happen in life. But god said it will never be more than we can handle and he will always be there with us. We can either let it eat us alive or turn it to god and let it mean something for good. We can keep running from god and he will always be there trying to get us to accept him, or we can finally reconise we need god. This world is hard and without god in our heart and life this life would be miserable. A couple godly friends is worth more than all the friends in the world. Never settle for less than gods best for you.If you always lock your self in a wall where nothing is going to hurt you you end up being all alone and miserable anyways. You have to let go of the hurts because if you don’t you have ended up locking yourself in with the hurt only to be tortured by it when you have the key to get out but that means you have to let the hurt go. No man in your life is really better than the wrong man in your life. And if you are constantly searching the a man to fill the void in your life than you haven’t put god first, and the relationship will never be right anyways cause god isn’t first. Dont worry about what others think of you cause the only one that matters is what god thinks of you. As a mother its hard worry about am I raising my son right will he grown up to love god. And I think that’s where we have to trust god and raise them how god says to raise them and pray. God said train your children in the way the will go and they will not depart from it. For me and my house we serve the lord. No one is perfect so do not expect them to be. As a Christian I fail everyday, but I have to decide how to handle that failure I can either dust myself off and ask forgiveness and work harder. But I know that iam not alone god is beside me willing to help if I just ask him to and he has been from the moment I was conceived. He has never left my side even when I couldn’t see or hear me he was right there. On the times I was going under he was there fighting on my behalf. God will never leave nor forsake you. Who else can you say that about. He sticketh closer than a brother.
So that is what I have learned in 28 years. And cherish your family. God has restored my life. The saying that god will give you beauty for your ashes is true. You can take all the junk in your life all the pain anger , bitterness, mistakes, failures and give it to god and god will create a masterpiece. Everything that has happened in my life has made me stronger, and can be used for gods kingdom. If we allow it. God bless everyone